Unholy Confessions
by star-gatherer
Summary: Mark realizes something a little too late.


Disclaimer: I dont own RENT. I wish I owned Mark but he's part of RENT so...yeah. Oh, well. Also A7X owns Unholy Confessions, the song which inspired this fic.

A/n: There are certain inconsistencies here that I put there on purpose to add to the effect of the fic. If you find it makes it too confusing please just tell me in a review. And yeah...please just review. Thankies!

ooo

I see their faces through the haze. I don't recognize any of them. They're all strangers-good Samaritans or curious tourists. My bike is some feet away; don't ask me how I know that…I'm in a strange place right now. I'm in my body and above it. Staring up and staring down at the same time. This would make a great shot…my camera is a weight on my chest. I cant lift it. I hear voices… I cant tell if they are from the people around me or if they are just in my head. Blood… they are talking about blood-about there being too much of it. From above I see the crimson pool as it grows in an ever widening circle, contrasting sharply with my light blond hair.

Oh holy fuck. I'm bleeding from the head.

I think I'm fucking dying.

Hm. It's not as bad as I always thought it would be.

I watch from above now, completely apart from the thin, pallid body lying on the pavement of Avenue A. I still hear the people as the talk but filtering in and out are the voices of my friends…

Roger…

Collins…

Mimi…

I hear their voices…I always figured one of them would be the first to go. They are the ones that are – or is it were? I don't know how much I am in the present right now – sick.

They never showed it though…they still laughed and cried and fought and made up. Everything that people with a thousand years to live do, they do as well. They feel very much. Every moment of their everyday they feel. I guess it comes with territory of never knowing which day might be your last.

Their voices are soothing…they provide a sense of normalcy as I watch as I…or at least my body…is hoisted into an ambulance. I follow it to the hospital…I don't seem to have much of a choice of where to go…I guess I am still attached to my body in one way or another.

I turn away as we enter the emergency room. No reason to watch yourself get cut up, right?

So instead I listen some more…I hear their voices but cant understand what they are saying…it's more like general mumblings…like a TV with a volume turned down real low: you know it's on but cant figure out what's going on.

Two new voices join the other three…

Maureen…

Joanne…

Hm. I cannot figure out those two. I suppose it isn't my place to try to do so. Still.

I'm in my own room now. Outside the doctor is speaking to my 5 friends. It appears I can see through walls in this state…I could get used to this! He's telling them about my condition. Mimi collapses into Rogers arms while Rog just stands there, staring at the doctor. Maureen begins to protest but Joanne calms her down. Collins just bows his head. It's kinda freaky seeing all of this through a layer of concrete.

They're with me now. Roger is at the door. Mimi holds my hand while Collins stands behind her. Maureen is perched on the other side of the bed and Joanne hovers near my feet.

Mimi is telling me something. It's odd…they're voices are softer now that they are actually here. Mimi is saying…She says to hold on. She says something, something…cant lose you.

Sorry, Meems…it looks like you already pretty much have.

Collins is talking now…he is telling me that he has always…something…never knew…something…oh, fuck this is hard.

Maureen kisses my hand. She says…she says she'll miss me.

I've missed you too, Maureen.

They are silent now, just staring at me. I stare back. But not from the hospital bed but again, from above. I watch as Mimi begins to sob. I watch as Maureen turns away to hide her tears. I watch as Collins ducks his head low. I watch as Joanne begins to pace and bite her nails. Lastly I watch Roger. I watch him as he silently studies my body. He says something, I don't quite catch it but after he says it Joanne leads Maureen out of the room, followed by Collins with Mimi.

Roger sits by the bed. I watch him watch me. He begins to speak and this time I hear him so clearly…and this time I wish I couldn't understand what he was telling me.

He says…He tells me that when he first heard the doctor's prognosis he was angry; not at the doctors, at me. He was angry because he didn't want me to leave him. He says that he's sorry. Sorry that he was angry, sorry he insisted on using the car, sorry that he didn't offer to drop me off, sorry for stealing my share of breakfast. He asks that I forgive him. That I forgive him for being a slob, for being a jerk, for not being the friend that he says I deserve.

He glances outside. I don't need to. I know they are all standing there, peering into the room.

They'll all miss me, he says. He says that I will always be his best friend and that he just wishes he could have known me better. Wait…what? Known me better?

He must have sensed my confusion because he explains. According to him I never told anyone anything, kept my cards close. He's not blaming me, I can tell. He continues to say that as much as I was his closest friend, in many ways I am still a stranger.

I watch as he starts to cry.

Don't cry, Roger! I'm sorry! I never thought you cared to know. Please…I scream at him but even to my own ears my voice is only the wind.

I turn to the door to see the rest of us. Do they feel the same way? Are they mourning the death of a friend who was a stranger?

I turn back to Roger. Please…I scream again…please hear me…please forgive me…I'll tell you everything.

I was born in Connecticut. I had a mother and a father and 2 sisters. I had a big fat aunt who pinched my cheeks and an uncle who was a drunk and smelled like year old tomatoes. My mother was a housewife, my father was a lawyer. My older sister got married and has 2 kids. I hated them all. I hated their perfection, hated how they never did anything wrong, never broke the rules and never smiled.

I yell all of this and yet Roger doesn't even look up.

I ran away to New York when I was 16. I began to film; I wanted to tell a story. I never learned what story that was. Then I met you and Collins, and Benny and for the first time I had a family. You guys are all I know. I love you, Roger…you're the brother I always dreamed of and yet dreaded having.

He still doesn't move.

I turn again to the others outside…

I'm here, I yell. They don't hear me. I'm here…listen to me!

Mimi! I'm so proud of you! You conquered your addiction and brought Roger back to us all. I love you for loving him.

Still she cries.

Collins…Collins, we'll get to Santa Fe. We will. A better friend I couldn't ask for…never angry, never sad, never grouchy…Please? Collins, don't you hear me?!

He doesn't look up.

Joanne. When I first heard of you, I hated you. But now…now I know you're what I wish my sisters were.

I turn to Maureen.

Maureen…I have never stopped loving you. I've missed you and I've missed you loving me. Sometimes at night I watch the tapes I made of you, of us…and I fantasize, I imagine you coming back to me. I always knew it could never happen but it never stopped me from dreaming.

She hugs herself…perhaps she heard me?

Desperate, I try one more time: Guys! Listen to me! I'm still here!

I hear a strong wind blowing but I ignore it…I ignore it to continue telling my friends-my family-everything.

My favorite color is red, I hate Chinese food but love Thai. I love the rain and hate the snow. I like my cereal soggy and only drink milk if it's warm.

The wind is stronger now but still I ignore it, instead I yell to be heard over it. I hate chocolate. I love gummy. I drink my coffee black. I think tequila tastes like piss but couldn't live without vodka. They ignore me…

By this time even I can't hear myself but I still keep yelling. I try to move towards Roger, to try and take him by the shoulder but I can't. I can't move forward.

Roger! I scream.

Then behind me I hear another voice. Again it is clear, it rises over the wind.

I turn around. Angel smiles back at me.

She tells me it's time. She tells me I have to go with her.

No. Not yet. I still need to let them know. I try to tell her this but she wont listen.

She says I've run out of time. But I haven't. I'm still here, aren't I?

Roger! Maureen! Collins! Mimi! Joanne! I scream their names over and over again but they don't even look up.

Angel is beside me now. I ignore her. She takes my hand. Time to go, she says.

No…Not yet…Angel slowly leads me away…She begs me not to look back, but I do anyway.

I see Roger. I see him stand. I see him walk away and not look back.

And all I can do is watch.

ooo

FIN


End file.
